learning to surf.

I just watched the Curious Case of Benjamin Button a couple of days ago and, first of all, Bradley is as fine as ever.  Putting that aside, it was an amazing movie.  Benjamin Button played with my emotions more than I care to share here.

Walking away from the movie, there were many scenes that replayed through my head but one in particular that was especially poignant was an interaction between an emotionally and experientially young Benjamin and some lady that I can’t quite remember the name of.  The pair were sitting at a piano and Benjamin, as he stumbles over a few notes, begins to discover the joy of music.  The woman teaches him how to play and says this:

“it doesn’t matter how well you play, but how you feel when you play it.”

This simple statement humbled me so so much.  Lately I’ve been caught up in the mentality that if I’m ever going to redeem my thousands of hours of playing time I need to be good [as if I'll ever be able to recognize it in me should I possess it].  I’ve lost touch with the purity and sanctity of music itself.  Many years ago I yearned for the gift of tongues, not so I could parade myself about, as some are in the habit of doing, but so that I could be free and have a more intimate way of speaking to the Lord.  As the years went by, prayers unaswered, and life pushing down on me making me more and more cynical that dream became just that, a dream.

I used to find someplace to sit by myself and attempt to play praise songs and worship but it rarely ever worked out.  I would get caught up in the music and ride the waves for a while.  Around this time I was also wrestling with how to balance performance with worship and finding my “secret place” right there on stage with all eyes watching.  Somewhere along the line it occurred to me that in my secret place [alone in my room or 'alone' on the stage] as I played my guitar I would worship.  Not through the words of the song but in the expression of my heart though My Love [the name of my guitar].  This is my gift.  This is my tongues.  Sounds like gibberish to some but to you, its divine.  Now I can’t remember the exact moment that I came to this realization/enlightenment/delusion but I suspect it came from one of my practice sessions.  It doesn’t matter how well you play.  All that matters is how you feel while you are playing.  I don’t need to be good [though I'd like to be] I just need to grow in my understanding of music and my sensitivity to the divinity in the waves.