on why I joined the Army

I keep revisiting this topic for reasons I haven’t quite pinned down.  Maybe the fact that it’s only now that I’m really discovering the underlying motives that’s unsettling.   What are these motives you ask?  Well thanks for asking! Here’s is what I’ve discovered.

For the majority of my life I’ve never really had to work all that hard at being where I want to be.  I’ve been thrusted into positions and places sort of naturally and because of that I’m an admittedly a little lazy at times.  Somewhere along the line, probably my junior or senior year in college I began questioning what the hell I was doing.  [I know a little late on the uptake]  I was going to school to go to school.  Placing my trust in some degree, a piece of paper.  What the hell does that mean anyways?  The whole education system is something completely different than what it was intended to be oh so many years ago.  Most of us go to college after high school because it just seems the natural thing to do.  Even society perpetuates the idea that without a college degree you will never amount to anything.  Once in college we then decide what degree to take, again for the majority [some of us go into the game knowing we want to be surgeons].  Common sense would tell us that something practical like a degree in Business or Science would best benefit our future.  Again, basing a decision on some social construct of what a sucessful life should be.  Not to demean these degrees, but more so to examine the motivations behind our decisions.  Putting the subsurface drivers under the microscope so to speak.  Suddenly degrees like psychology and history are relegated to a  lower rung in the social order of the university.   For you history majors, how often have you been asked the question “what are you going to do with that degree?” The appropriate answer is either lawyer, professor, or some other seemingly honorable profession.  Why make excuses.  My point in this rant is to say that for myself, it has become difficult to play the game anymore.  Luckily, I’m almost done with the whole charade [fingers crossed] but for you underclassmen, I’d urge you to really examine why you are doing what you’re doing.

With my jaded apathy toward my college ‘education’ and with no other natural progression in my life, it was time for a change.  I could no longer rely on my luck to land me somewhere and I cannot play Christian for my livelihood.  [well unless I became a pastor...me? pastor? haha what a disaster that'd be.]

::enter Uncle Sam::

Here I am.  It’s 2007 and I’m 2/3 complete with my degree and I’ve vowed to support and defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and domestic.  At its surface this is a completely random decision at a completely random time but inside I knew somehow that this is exactly what I needed to do.  The natural progression of my childhood was over and it was time to put in some hard work if I was going to ever find peace in my life.  The chase was on.

::in a galaxy far, far away::

I completed basic training and survived the rigors of  bravo school [US Army all source intelligence school].  I was ready and eager to test my meddle in battle.  From the day I enlisted to the day I got the call I was ready, willing, and able to go to war..or so I thought.  Iraq really does feel like a whole other galaxy.  Sometimes I can’t believe I’m here and sometimes I catch myself falling into the “I just want to go home” mentality.  But this is exactly what I wanted.  Exactly what I need.  A retreat of sorts.  All of the comforts and familiarities of home are gone and all thats left is me to sort out the pieces.  War is a universal experience spanning every civilization across the history of the world.  The realities of this unfortunately permanent human invention have been experienced and weighed by both the greatest of minds and well guys like myself.  Thrust into this and seeing it first hand is an experience I will not soon forget.  Unfortunately most my my comrades rarely openly discuss the implications of such an experience on all of our lives but I know it sits heavily with even the most experienced of soldiers here.  I only have two options.  Let this destroy me and walk away with a lifetime of mental disorders or let it refine me and walk away with a unique [at least where we come from] perspective on human nature.

::wrapping up::

If you’ve managed to make it through this far, I congratulate you.   I just want to leave you with a couple thoughts:

1. Why.  This is the single most destructive question one will ever encounter.  Many claim it is responsible to mankind’s exile from the garden and the reason we now suffer as we do.   However difficult or problematic this question might be in you life, never stop asking it.  The moment we stop asking why is the moment we cease to truly live.

2.  (Superman – Kryptonite) / [(Jack Bauer + Michael Scofield) * John Mayer]  ≥Jesus?   …what a quandry.

F*ck

I had initially wanted to write about relationships and marriage but after writing a couple of pages on the subject I’ve decided that perhaps these thoughts are best left unsaid for the moment. Instead I’m going to explore the philosophy of my life.

Do until you understand to do not.

Too long have I lived my life in fear. Fear of disappointing my family, friends, God. This fear has forced me to act a certain way and remain within certain boundaries. For what? I have a whole laundry list of things I cannot do..

• don’t smoke
• don’t drink
• don’t have sex
• don’t do drugs
• don’t swear
• don’t wear white after labor day

I’m sure most of you resonate with this somewhat. I don’t have a lot of time to really get into the nitty gritty but telling me ‘thou shall not..’ really doesn’t cut it.

::F*ck::

“But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”

We all know that we shouldn’t curse or swear right? I mean the Bible clearly tells us not to let any unclean thing come out of our mouth, how the tongue has the power to destroy, etc. So many of us choose to tailor our language to accommodate this rule. My issue with this and so many other teaching is that the why is never really investigated. Sure theres always some cursory explanation about how its God’s will, the Bible says so, or some other shallow excuse. Why should we not swear? Take the word ‘F*ck’ [courtesy edit, see I'm not heartless]. Why remove this from our vocabulary? Not talking about for propriety’s sake but the total omission from the English language. Some would argue that the word is unclean and that it offends God. Take two scenarios:

• A guy walks into his home and discovers his wife with another man. He then, in his anger, yells out the expletive.
• A child just watched a movie in which the word was said repeatedly and he mimics what he heard.

Are the two the same? Are both ‘wrong?’ I’d argue absolutely not.

• The man vocally projected his anger using the expletive.
• The child had no clue to the meaning of the word and was just saying it out of nothing more than curiosity.

Many would have you believe that there is no difference in the two but any type of analysis would reveal that there is indeed a vast difference. I would take the argument a step farther and offer that the wrongness of the man and the lack of wrongness of the child rests not in the language being used, but in the underlying intentions driving the expression. Violence vs. curiosity. So you see that language is not the issue. It is in the underlying motivation that the wrongness or lack thereof lies. You can commit a wrong in this sense without ever using one of these taboo words. Thoughts?

new post.

It has been entirely too long since my last post here.  I find myself writing things here and there but alas I fall prey to the blogger’s dilemma..do I post an incomplete thought?  or do I not post at all.

I suppose I have some catching up to do so let me bring you up to speed.  I have arrived and dug in here in Iraq.   I came not really knowing what to expect so I wasn’t too disappointed arriving here.  At first things were really difficult.  The hours are long, the work is difficult and ambiguous at times, and I felt incredibly alone in it all.  A few months into this gig and things have started to level out.  I’m still working long hours but I’m getting better at my job so it’s bearable.

What I find myself thinking about constantly is the old adage that “no one returns from war the same as when they went.”  How will/have I changed?  Can I effect certain changes in a positive direction?  What do I want to change?

This is a totally different environment than the laid back college life that I left behind.  Here there is no oops I overslept, no I’ll get to that later, no “inclement weather plan” [maybe thats a VCU thing...or a dudes from Virginia Beach that live in Monroe Park Towers Apt 1210 thing..].  The stress that I feel everyday makes me want to collapse at times and often,  I can feel the onset of a panic attack.  Overall though I can feel myself being hardened and focused.  I’ll expand more later

more thoughts to come:

• more on war
• love and marriage
• tobacco

across the pond.

Hey so I’m in Kuwait and guess what?  It’s hot.  Hot as hell.  It sort of looks/feels like hell too.  Go figure.  I’ll give more details hopefully here soon but for now I just wanted to give you a little hello from across the pond. 

I’ll try and keep this updated as much as possible to let those of you who care [actual or feigned] know whats going on.  At the very least I’ll let you know the when and where’s but hopefully I’ll have the opportunity to explore other areas of discussion.

Until then brothers and sisters..Stay Alert, Stay Alive.  Hooah.

I’ve had this on repeat

“Arms Of A Woman”

Amos Lee

 

I am at ease in the arms of a woman.

Although now, most of my days I spend alone.

A thousand miles, from the place I was born.

But when she wakes me, she takes me back home.

 

Now, most days, i spend like a child.

Who’s afraid of ghosts in my mind. 

 know, there aint nothing out there.

I’m still afraid to turn on the lights.

 

I am at ease in the arms of a woman.

Although now, most of my days a I spend alone.

A thousand miles, the place I was born.

When she wakes me, she takes me back home.

war

War is horrible. No matter the justification, the perceived necessity of it, or the projected benefits of said endeavor.  Ernest Hemingway wrote “Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.” I hold firmly to this concept that war is never just or right. However..

:: “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb”::

War is one of those things in this world that exists as a manifestation of our creation.  Looking at the laws of nature one can clearly see that this life is about taking what you need [or what you think you need].  The lion stalks the gazelle, the cat eats the mouse, and the stock broker buys the Mercedes. It’s unavoidable and will always exist as long as we do.  It is in our nature to be selfish.  I need a car, I need clothes, I need a gazelle, etc.  We’ve all heard the cries from the pro-peace crowd and probably have had a conversation with someone saying they are anti-war.  You, faithful reader, may be numbered among these idealists.  Please allow me to share a few thoughts with you.  To deny something so integral to who we are as war is to deny yourself.  Many of us ‘beat’ our bodies into submission in hopes to change our very nature so that we will not be rejected by/with/from the prize. But you cannot.  How many times have you tried and how many times have you failed?  You will always fall [the discussion of grace, sanctification, and all the other tenets are reserved for a later date].  If you truly wish to stop war on this planet there are exactly two ways to bring about the extinction of this particularly tenacious animal.

::extreme but effective::

One is to end the world entirely. The final solution of all mankind. Plato wrote that “only the dead have seen the end of war” and to rephrase this; the end of war will only be seen by the dead. What can save us? Don’t look to Jesus my friends because our savior is more likely several, accurately placed, 40 megaton bombs.  Before you think I’ve lost my mind, relax, I’m only kidding..sort of.  Maybe the War to End All Wars, part III would be a just and fitting ending to the illustrious history of mankind.  Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

::don’t worry there’s a backup plan::

If this solution leaves you a bit hesitant then perhaps a plan B will appeal to your selfish soul [admit it you don't want the end the world because you don’t want to die or lose those you think you love. If not, well then you, my friend, are a better (wo)man than I]  The second solution to this problem of violence is easy to envision and has captivated the imagination of some of the greatest men in the history of the world. One world order. One government. One seat of power.  When will war end?  When there is no one to fight.  Conquer the world so fiercely that no one would dare oppose you and balance love and fear [see Machiavelli]. Now I’m sure you see the difficulty in this Herculean task [which is why its B and not A] in choosing a leader to unite under. Undoubtedly it would need to be a man of delusional spiritual or ancestral conviction since these people can rarely swayed by such trivialities as reason or common sense.  Even this solution, however, can only work for a short amount of time [maybe 7 years? or 3.5 depending on your thoughts on the subject]  Perhaps one day the great tribulation will ease all of our minds and hearts.

::random personal meditiations::

Have you ever seen a city burn?  Brought down in rubble by a ghost army in the still of the night?  Neither have I.  Some of my comrades have.  No one, at least no sane person, wants to see innocent civilians caught in the wake of rival ideologies, but it is an unfortunate reality of a fallen world.  It’s been written many times over the difference between our world and theirs.  In a few days I’m going to leave my home and start my gradual progression to meet where our world [the world of MTV and Starbucks] meets their world.  As of now, I haven’t really been forced to deal with this eventuality other than those few weeks where I fly off to here or there sorting out logistical and training issues. I know nothing of hardship.  I know nothing of war.  I know nothing of nerve wracking firefights and mind dulling boredom.  I often try to imagine what it must be like for the Iraqis whom we’ve so valiantly liberated [play nice or we'll free the hell out of you].  Some feel relieved that we’ve stepped in, removed a dictator, and rebuilt their entire infrastructure at a great cost to us.  Others, I’m sure, aren’t so appreciative of our ‘meddleing.’   In any case, I want to understand the situation I’m going into and the people involved.  The Suni, Shia, Kurds, or more crudely Haji.  I believe I’m honest enough to recognize the mistakes of my superiors and courageous enough to stand in the face of a arrogant ‘journalist’ [if they even exist anymore] and speak approvingly of the effort.  Love, war, peace, hate, empathy..eh.  Can’t we all just get along? No.  Now get out of our way.

this is my hero

oh johnathan…

enjoy.

learning to surf.

I just watched the Curious Case of Benjamin Button a couple of days ago and, first of all, Bradley is as fine as ever.  Putting that aside, it was an amazing movie.  Benjamin Button played with my emotions more than I care to share here.

Walking away from the movie, there were many scenes that replayed through my head but one in particular that was especially poignant was an interaction between an emotionally and experientially young Benjamin and some lady that I can’t quite remember the name of.  The pair were sitting at a piano and Benjamin, as he stumbles over a few notes, begins to discover the joy of music.  The woman teaches him how to play and says this:

“it doesn’t matter how well you play, but how you feel when you play it.”

This simple statement humbled me so so much.  Lately I’ve been caught up in the mentality that if I’m ever going to redeem my thousands of hours of playing time I need to be good [as if I'll ever be able to recognize it in me should I possess it].  I’ve lost touch with the purity and sanctity of music itself.  Many years ago I yearned for the gift of tongues, not so I could parade myself about, as some are in the habit of doing, but so that I could be free and have a more intimate way of speaking to the Lord.  As the years went by, prayers unaswered, and life pushing down on me making me more and more cynical that dream became just that, a dream.

I used to find someplace to sit by myself and attempt to play praise songs and worship but it rarely ever worked out.  I would get caught up in the music and ride the waves for a while.  Around this time I was also wrestling with how to balance performance with worship and finding my “secret place” right there on stage with all eyes watching.  Somewhere along the line it occurred to me that in my secret place [alone in my room or 'alone' on the stage] as I played my guitar I would worship.  Not through the words of the song but in the expression of my heart though My Love [the name of my guitar].  This is my gift.  This is my tongues.  Sounds like gibberish to some but to you, its divine.  Now I can’t remember the exact moment that I came to this realization/enlightenment/delusion but I suspect it came from one of my practice sessions.  It doesn’t matter how well you play.  All that matters is how you feel while you are playing.  I don’t need to be good [though I'd like to be] I just need to grow in my understanding of music and my sensitivity to the divinity in the waves.

from the tropics to the mountains.

What is it about the islands that puts you at ease…makes everything not really that important anymore. The sun, sand, waves, coconut trees, and fruity drinks. mmmm. how i pine for thee..or rather how I coconut for thee. hahaha.

Also I love the refreshingly crisp morning air of the mountains. There something special in waking up to the cool dawn of a new day on the trail. Tall trees, fresh air, campfires, carrying knives and hatchets and not being looked at as weird, and of course shivering to the bone eating cold food in the rain knowing you have another 20+ miles of mountainous terrain to hike with an 70 pound pack until you make it back to your car and relax. mmm beautiful.

[if you can't go there, bring there here]

Since its a bit to chilly to hit the trails and I can’t make it all the way to Hawaii , I will bring both to me..

this my friends is an Acacia Koa tree. In the right hands it can become something altogether beautiful.

presenting a “mature Adirondack spruce forest.”

add some glue and steel and lets see what happens.